It’s Like a Blanket

I noticed things started to change.

I remember in July of 2017 that  I was feeling… different. I have a history of up and down times in my life. Don’t we all? But July 2017 was something new all together. I felt down. Really, Really down for no reason

Around my birthday (July) my dog got really sick and had an expensive pet ER visit. After my birthday my car was shaking and I had to get an entire set of new tires. My house was getting redone completely so we didn’t have a fridge or an oven for a while. Work was far more stressful than usual.

In August we had a celebration of lifetime achievement for my Papa. It was the last time I would see my grandparents both lucid and together. It was hard, but it felt right and having my entire family together one last time gave me a sense of closure.

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Grams, Pops, All the Grandbabies 

September is when things were really starting to spiral.

I can vividly remember a couple September weekends; I spent almost a solid 48 hours on my bed either staring at the wall or mindlessly watching old reruns of law and order. I felt numb and it was a numbness I’ve never experienced in my entire life. I attributed to stress around the remodel, work, and grad school starting back up.

I convinced myself that all I needed to do was to start exercising more. Spend more time on self-care and exploration.

Then Gram’s passed away the first week of October rather suddenly after battling dementia for 6 years

Gramps passed in November, 53 days after Grams. My world felt like a spinning spiral of numbness.

I thought I was back to normal come mid January. It’d been a few months since

My mind constantly raced. And not just raced, I mean RACED. I couldn’t keep up with my thoughts. I was paranoid and convinced everyone was out to get me. I became introverted and would spend the entire weekend just laying on my couch and watching TV. I didn’t even want to read. I didn’t want to think. I didn’t want to do anything.

I was afraid to leave my house. I was afraid to drive. I would get to work and then go have a panic attack in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I was constantly having to excuse myself from things and every decision I made was almost fatalistic.

The minute the IUD came out, I swear the world seemed a little bit brighter. My brain fog seemed to lift almost immediately. My vision got better- I kept having my eyes get blurry on me out of nowhere.

I’m not waking up defeated and exhausted any more… in fact I’ve slept like a baby for the last 5 days.  I was watching a movie yesterday when I realized that I didn’t have racing thoughts and my compulsive behaviors weren’t acting out like they have been.

In shorter terms: I feel normal again. I am excited to do things. I am excited to see people. I want to go out and do things.

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